Back to top

What's Your Worst Symptom?

I've been thinking for days on how to answer this question. What IS my worst symptom? And I tried to remember all of my symptoms and tried to categorise them from least-awful to plain-awful, and found myself really struggling. What's the worst one?  Is it having cuts on my hands (as I type this with a Band-Aid on my thumb...) and chips on my mugs every other week from being so clumsy?  Is it tripping over my own feet and almost breaking my neck trying to get down 2 stairs?  Or feeling like I'm taking my life into my own hands when I close my eyes while washing my hair?  Is it always questioning myself (Better go wash my hands after changing that nappy. Did I wash my hands? Better go wash them. Oh crap did I wash my hands after changing that nappy? *Smells Hands* Oh... smells like soap. Yeah I did.)  Is it feeling tired all the time, and yawning through my fourth coffee of the day when I don't even like the taste of coffee but need to stay upright?  Is it when I forget to eat lunch, or eat lunch, then find myself remembering that I ate lunch while I'm in the middle of eating lunch AGAIN? Is it when I'm walking uphill and my vision goes double from the slight raise in body temperature?  Is it when I'm in the middle of an intimate situation and suddenly have to tearfully explain to my husband that I have no feeling in my nether regions? That persists for WEEKS?  And since we're going there, is it when one of my hands stops doing what I need it to do during fairly crucial tasks like using the toilet? Is it when my legs won't stop feeling like they need to move...right...now... no not that position, maybe stretch... no that isn't helping... maybe I'll go lie down... yeah that doesn't help. Crap. Or when I can't fall asleep at night because of back pain, then struggle to get up in the morning for the same reason? Is it when ewww I've stepped in something wet... wait, my feet are dry. Or ewww why is my leg wet? Wait, it isn't. Or Ouch! I've burned my hand! In midair? Wait... Is it when I'm dysfunctional and can't form a coherent sentence in heat? Or in the same vein, maybe it's when people start walking away because I've lost my train of thought again for the umpteenth time in the story I'm trying to tell. Is it the guilt from feeling like the people around me see me as lazy, or having problems that "everyone experiences from time to time" or writing this when there's people in the same boat that are stuck with canes or wheelchairs? Or is it the fear of wondering if and when that day is coming for me? Is it the stress of being around a crowd of people, knowing that any one of them could make me sick thanks to the medicine I'm on weakening my immune system? This is just the stuff I can remember at the time of writing this. That being said, I think I've figured out what the worst symptom is. The worst symptom, is the one that reminds me that I have MS. The one that takes me from feeling like my normal everyday self, to someone who has an incurable disease.  The worst symptom, is every symptom.